Long Distance Hiking for Masochists – 101

We have hiked trails across the Netherlands, the Chilkoot Pass into Alaska, the Cape to Cape trail in Australia. We hiked the hills of Galilea and the Camino in Spain. However, I have decided that while I still enjoy walking, hiking Long Distance Trails were you have to carry a heavy pack is not for me:

Hiking long distance trails (LDT) is the ideal activity for masochists. As a sport it is rapidly gaining popularity worldwide as ever increasing networks of trails sprout up everywhere. However, even the most dedicated masochist needs to prepare before undertaking such an adventure. Here are some basic guidelines to help you on your way to a most painful experience you won’t want to miss.

Let’s start with a discussion on equipment. For maximum benefits you will need specialized clothing and other items as well as thorough preparations.

1. Equipment
Boots. The first thing you will need to buy is proper footwear. Boots. The heavier the better. Ensure that your boots are at least one, and preferably several, sizes too small. An effective style for long distance hiking is the prison style boot complete with ball and chain. This will add memorable moments to your hiking experience. Buying lightweight, waterproof boots is no fun. Socks will cost you about 20 dollars a pair. The label will tell you that these socks are ‘wicking’ – this means they circulate moisture. Buying wicked socks for 2.- per pair has the same desired result.
You will also need to select a jacket that allows moisture to be absorbed and retained both in and outside. Select shorts or capris that can be rolled up to expose as much flesh as possible. Blackflies, mosquitoes and brambles are all eagerly waiting for you. Don’t disappoint them by buying insect repelling clothing. People repelling clothing might be a better choice in some locations.
You will also need to select a suitable backpack. If you hike long distances you will need to decide on the size best suited for your particular trek. I recommended the largest size possible. You decide the proper size by filling the pack, with boulders, beyond capacity. If you cannot possibly lift it with both hands, it is just the right size to carry for the next several weeks.
Backpacks are measured in liters: 18, 30 or 40 liters are the most common sizes. This means you have a choice: you can either fill your backpack with stuff or with 40 liters of beer or wine. Based on experience I recommend the latter.
A backpack should have a waist strap. The purpose of the waist strap is to increase pressure on the bladder while hiking.
2. Food
If, however, you decide to take ‘stuff’, you might want to include food. You will likely not encounter a Starbucks or a bakery along the trail so keep this in mind as you select food and drink. Commonly recommended food is a freeze dried, lightweight, tasteless, processed blend of oats, barley and other indigestible dry flakes. These come in a variety of shapes and sizes. The most popular being bars or pellets. The advantage of pellets is that, if you have any leftovers at the end of your journey, you can use them as cattle feed or in your woodstove.
Select the most desirable type of freeze dried bars by offering one to your dog. If he refuses, you have found the kind you want to take along on your long distance hike.
3. Map
Be sure to look for a proper map or trail guide. Generally a map is at least ten years outdated. This poses no problem since any trail system worthy of its existence, has an accompanying website. The website will give you any changes and updates to add to your book. Print off all 86 pages to carry along. Any pages you don’t need anymore can be used during sanitary stops. (you didn’t really expect toilet buildings and 4 ply out there, did you?).
If, at any point during your hike, you get bored I recommend holding the map upside down for a few kilometers. This adds greatly to the excitement.
Many LDT have, in addition to maps, an easy to follow system of markers. These consist of faint, barely visible paint stripes on trees or posts. For maximum enjoyment select a trail that runs near, and is often intersected by another trail system with similar signs: white and red stripes mixed with faint yellow and red stripes works great. The more often these trails cross, the better your changes of following the wrong trail for a while. The other thing that adds to the fun is when trees with signs on them have been cut down, allowing you to wander aimlessly for hours before spotting another faint white stripe on the trunk of an birch tree.
 
4. Accommodations
Unless you chose to sleep in a tent the size of a ziploc bag, you will have to book hostels along the way. A hostel offers an inexpensive place to sleep to the weary hiker. The inexpensive bed entails a creaking bunkbed, sometimes with sheet, blanket and lumpy pillow. I recommend a bottom bunk since the top bunk has no ladder and no sides. Save these top bunks for entertainment. Hikers who arrive after you will have to hoist themselves up there. If you are lucky you can observe them tumbling down in the dead of night. A string of swear words will follow.
Most hostels have beds for up to 40 people per room. This increases your changes of no sleep at all since at least 30% of your fellow hikers will snore loudly, have nightmares – no doubt of hiking LDT – and will happily leave their very smelly, sweaty prison style boots next to the head end of your bunkbed. As a rule

, 80% of any female fellow hikers will have to get up at least twice during the night to use the bathroom. These were the ones with 40 liters packs.

5. Terrain
When selecting the terrain for your your hike, be sure to pay attention to the type of vegetation and weather conditions. 40% chance of showers will likely mean a nonstop drizzle. This also increases your chance of mosquito encounters.
Knee high thistles and brambles are recommended. What else are you going to complain about afterwards?
6. Fellow trail users
At night, in the hostel, it is recommended that you make contact with fellow hikers. The purpose of these social encounters is to compare the size of mosquito bites, the numbers of times you were lost and wandered aimlessly and the spots along the trail where you waded knee deep in cow paddies or mud puddles. Do not, under any circumstances, discuss the appealing scenery, the solitude of the trail or the thrill of being in nature.
Do, however, pay close attention to any other trail LDT systems recommended by these experienced hikers. Take notes. This will ensure you many more years of suffering. Unless you took my advise on backpacks and filled yours with 40 liters of wine.
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One thought on “Long Distance Hiking for Masochists – 101

  1. Absolutely loved reading this, I was looking for hiking tips and boy did I find them on here, with a humour I could relate to…Not being a wine drinker I have two hip flasks of whiskey – for emergency purposes only ( ha!) Thanks for sharing, if you have the time pop along to my site but it will be a long time before I could write something like this. I will be back for more.
    https://natureisbeautifulcreation.wordpress.com/2016/03/03/hiking-gear-tips-for-economical-buying/

    Like

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